Carguments
by Berzerkerprime
Summary: Random discussions the guys have in the car... you know the kind...
1. Toilet Humor

Cargument One: Toilet Humor

Danny's black Camero cruised down the H201 at speeds that were probably not legal. But hey, they were on the job, headed toward a murder site in Moanalua where the body of a guy with suspected terrorist ties had been found. The Governor had put Five-0 on the case immediately.

Steve was, of course, at the wheel, his partner sitting in the passenger's seat with his normal sour expression, every once in a while looking over at the steering wheel longingly. They had just passed the interchange from the H1 to the H201 when Danny spoke up out of the blue.

"We need to have a conversation about the bathroom," he said.

"What?" Steve asked, completely blindsided by the comment and genuinely confused. "What brought that on?"

"Oh I dunno," Danny carped back, his voice dripping in sarcasm, "maybe because I had to take a dump and found my butt splashing into disgusting toilet water because _someone_ can't be bothered to put the toilet seat down."

"Wait, this is about the toilet seat?" Steve asked, utterly confounded. "Are we... are we _really_ having this conversation? 'Cause I don't recall marrying you."

"Marrying... what the hell does that have to do with anything?" Danny asked, incredulously, waving his hands around in a whirlwind of activity. "I'm just talking about basic human decency here. Personally, I don't like getting ass-banged by the bacteria in the bowl, but maybe that's just me!"

"Yeah thanks for _that_ image," Steve said, "but other than the fact that you're a germaphobe, I'm still not sure why I'm having this conversation with you and not Kono. I mean, last I checked she was the woman."

"Well, I dunno how you take a dump, Super Seal," Danny replied, "but _I_ need to sit down for that. And splashing down into cold water is _not_ an experience I relish!"

"Danny, you ever heard the phrase 'look before you leap?'" Steve asked. "Because it seems to me that the same thing applies, here."

"I shouldn't have to!" Danny said, his volume rising a little and his hands shooting out in front of him, palms up. "I mean, it's just rude and _you_ my friend, are the number one culprit in the office. I mean, I really feel for Kono after my experience this morning."

"She's never said anything," Steve returned.

"No, because she's a woman and she expects that kind of behavior from us men," Danny replied, " _you_ are reinforcing the stereotype and making us _all_ look bad."

"So, what, you're her champion and defender now?" Steve asked, sarcasm creeping into his voice. "'Cause I'm pretty sure she would just _love_ that."

"No, this conversation is purely for self-defense." Danny replied, "I'm just telling you why Kono hasn't said anything even though she is most assuredly annoyed every time."

"Annoyed, huh?" Steve said, switching gears. "Then can we talk about the annoyance of you putting the toilet paper on backwards?"

Danny waved a finger at him. "No, no, you are the one who puts it on backwards, my friend, not me."

"Oh please, everyone knows it's supposed to hang down the back," Steve replied.

"What kind of heretic are you?" Danny asked him. "Everyone does _not_ know that because it's supposed to hang down the front."

Steve chuffed a laugh. "Not if you have a dog or a cat, it's not."

"Five-0 doesn't _have_ a dog or a... what does that even have to do with anything?" Danny waved a hand at Steve, holding it out as if offering an apple.

"When it hangs down the front, a dog or a cat can get a hold of it and unroll the whole roll," said Steve, "you hang it down the back, it's harder for them to do that. It's that simple."

"We don't have a dog or a cat at Five-0!" Danny said again. "And you don't even have a dog or a cat at home!"

"I had a dog for a while growing up," Steve said defensively.

"But you don't have one now," Danny replied, "so you don't need to put it on backwards."

"It's not backwards," Steve said firmly.

"It is too!"

"What are you, five?"

"Don't start in on that!"

The Camero continued down the highway as the debate raged on. In the end, it was still happening when they reached their destination with neither one yielding on the topic. So when they emerged from the car, still arguing on a school-yard level, Chin Ho Kelly was there to roll his eyes with a knowing smile.

* * *

Thanks for reading the first Cargument, everyone. It was short and sweet, as I intend others to be as I write them. Just little snippets of every day life at Five-0.

I will take prompts, since this one was only my first one that gave me the idea for the overall fic. I'm sure all of you have had ideas for some great Steve and Danny carguments that you just couldn't fit in anywhere, so bring 'em on! Couple guidelines, though, I am a canon junkie and don't like situations that don't fit with the actual show. So, slash prompts need not apply, not because I have a problem with slash, but because it isn't canonical and that drives me nuts. Also, I want to keep this relatively PG-13, so no prompts any dirtier than this one, please.

Thanks for reading and please leave a review!


	2. Diet Debate

Diet Debate

There was something snarling up traffic down the way. It was bad enough that it was rush hour in Honolulu, but some idiot had decided that it was time for road construction or to wham into another car or something. If Danny had not been sitting next to his partner as they drove along in the black Camero, he would have thought that Steve had had something to do with it. As it was, he could only sit there, looking at the traffic jam around them, and sigh. The trip to the other side of town was going to take a while.

Danny popped open a can of soda and took a swig. There was obviously going to be plenty of time to finish it before they got to the other freaking side of town. It was a diet cola and therefore more bitter than he liked it. He made a face.

"Man, I hate diet," he said.

Steve gave a snort and a smirk. "You picked it," he pointed out, "if you hate it so much, why not just get regular?"

"Why?" Danny shot back. "Because I gained five pounds last month, that's why."

"Five pounds? You're worried about five pounds?" Steve asked. "I lose that in water weight when I got for a run."

"I don't run."

"You could fix that, you know."

"I could except that I hate running."

"Well, you seem pretty good at it when we're chasing down perps," said Steve.

"There's a point to that running," Danny replied, "we're chasing down perps. Besides, that's not running, that's sprinting."

"What's the difference?" Steve asked. "Running is running."

"No, running is _not_ running," Danny shot back, beginning to wave his hands about, "running is long, boring, and pointless jogging for no reason other than to end up in the same place you started. Sprinting is short, fast, and has a purpose, like running from bullets and chasing down perps. Which I do _more_ than my share of, I might add."

"Running's not pointless," said Steve.

"It is!"

"No, it's not. You run to keep in shape and not gain five pounds."

"That doesn't make it any less boring," Danny countered, "especially since I could just make some lifestyle changes and do the same thing." He held up his can of soda. "Like drink diet soda."

"But you hate diet soda," said Steve.

"What's your point?"

"Well, you hate running, too," Steve pointed out, "why is one thing you hate acceptable and the other isn't?"

"Because I hate diet soda less than I hate running!" Danny shot back, throwing an arm wide.

"I'm just saying, you don't have to drink something that you hate," said Steve, "you could drink water, for instance, or iced tea or something."

"Water's boring and bottled iced tea has just as much sugar," Danny replied

"What is it with you and boring?"

"I don't like boring things!" said Danny. "So sue me!"

"I don't know why you put that stuff in your body anyway," Steve said, changing tactics as the car creeped along a few feet and then came to a stop again, "artificial sweeteners are known for having all sorts of side-effects. They're just big balls of chemicals."

"What, you're Mister Organic, all of a sudden?" Danny replied, incredulously. "When the hell did _that_ happen?"

"No, I am not Mister Organic," Steve shot back, "I just prefer not to have migraines and more cravings for sugary stuff than I had before I drank the stuff."

"Gimme a break, that's a myth," Danny said, taking another swig from his can.

"It is not! They've studied it! And my aunt got migraines every single time she had anything with aspartame in it, so I've seen it."

"Yes, of course," Danny said with a roll of his eyes, "because Steve McGarrett seeing one person getting a migraine it means that all artificial sweeteners are bad all the time. Have you ever heard of this little thing called coincidence?"

"It's not a coincidence if it happened to her every time," Steve shot back, as the car moved forward another few yards. "I'm just saying, you hate diet soda, you hate running, you hate drinking water. Of all of these choices, drinking diet soda has the biggest number of drawbacks."

"It's still better than running!" Danny replied, both hands moving now.

"No it isn't!"

"That's a matter of opinion."

Nothing more was said about Danny's beverage choice after that, even though Steve saw Danny make a grimace almost every time he took a drink from the can. Knowing there was no way to convince his partner otherwise, Steve chose to ignore it.

He also graciously didn't say anything when, an hour later, Danny began complaining of a headache.

* * *

Thanks for reading the second Cargument! Hope you enjoyed!

I'm still accepting prompts, so be sure to leave me one or two in your review! C'mon, there's a whole myriad of topics the boys can always argue about. You know you wanna!

Thanks!


	3. Burger Brawl

Five-0 had been having a perfectly normal grill-out at McGarret's place. The day had been beautiful (although, it was Hawaii, so when wasn't it, really?), they were relaxing, taking a day to just hang out together.

And then, of course, Steve's phone had sounded and within about two minutes, he and Danny had piled into Danny's Camero in their usual seats, heading toward another case that they had caught. Danny heaved a sigh, giving a long-suffering grimace and a small shake of his head.

"Is Gracie rubbing off on you?" Steve asked.

Danny looked over at him in confusion, narrowing his eyes almost as if in suspicion. "What? What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you, exuding the pissed-off teenager attitude," Steve replied, "we can always grill out again some other time."

"I am not pissed that we caught a case in the middle of a perfectly nice cook-out," Danny shot back, "it's my job and I have come to expect it to bite me in the ass whenever it can. Besides, you were well on your way to ruining the experience anyway."

"Are you still on the burgers!?"

Danny held his hands out in front of him, gesturing forward as if holding something. "You, my friend, are a menace to food," he said, "is there nothing that is sacred? Is there no food upon which you will not put fruit?"

"That wasn't fruit," Steve said defensively, "it's was barbecue sauce."

"A fruit-based barbecue sauce!"

"Danny, what do you think tomatoes are?"

"Specifically, it was a _pineapple_ based barbecue sauce," Danny continued, clearly undaunted by Steve's protests, "which you proceeded to slather all over my perfect grilling job."

"Yes, yes I did," Steve replied, "and then I topped it with a nice big slice of sweet onion and I enjoyed the hell out of it because it was delicious."

"It was sacrilege!"

"It was a burger, Danny!"

"Yes, a burger," Danny said, flapping a hand at Steve in clear frustration, "a perfect, medium-well, juicy on the outside, pink on the inside burger. And then you proceeded to destroy it with your ice cream toppings. A burger is meant to have only a select few things topping it; cheese, mustard, onions, relish, bacon if you like. Tomato ketchup if you absolutely have to and maybe some mushrooms if your cheese is swiss. Fruit juice is right out!"

"It wasn't fruit juice," Steve said with a roll of his eyes.

"It doesn't matter how long I live here," Danny forged onward, shaking his head anew, "I will never understand the obsession with putting a candy coating on everything."

"It's not that sweet!" Steve countered. "How would you even know, anyway? You won't try it."

"It's right there in the name, Steve," said Danny, "'sweet onion,' remember?"

"I thought we were talking about the sauce."

"No, we're talking about the horrible things you do to perfectly good burgers."

"Yeah, well, what about Germans?" Steve asked.

"What do you mean? What about the Germans?"

"I noticed that sauerkraut wasn't on your tiny, non-adventurous, little list there," Steve went on, "and in Germany and several parts of the upper midwest, you'd get chewed out for not offering it."

"Sauerkraut is disgusting and that, too, is a crime against burgers," Danny affirmed, "whoever thinks that pickled cabbage is good _at all_ , let alone on a burger, is clearly out of their mind."

"So that's you, now?" Steve needled. "The burger police?"

"The burger... I'm not the burger police!" Danny shot back. "I'm just saying, you are wrong and a horrible person and you should feel massive guilt for ruining my perfect grilling job with your Christmas ham glaze."

Steve let that hang in the air for a moment, pondering the best response. He could only think of one.

"You wouldn't think that way if you tried it."

"Not a chance!" Danny snapped back.

"You're just scared," said Steve.

"I am not scared!"

"Oh yeah?" Steve said, giving him a sidelong grin. "Then I triple dog dare you."

"Six years old!" Danny exclaimed, throwing up his hands. "The man is six, freaking years old!"

"This is why Kono and Lou rode with Chin," Steve muttered.

"You're welcome to join them," Danny groused as they pulled up outside the Palace, "I'd love to drive my own car. Seriously, triple dog dare?"

Steve gave Danny a shrug, shifting the car into park and opening the door to get out. Danny just rubbed a hand over his face before following.


End file.
